Aquarius
Theres travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the tru Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow youll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosss face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine youve got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that youre an exciting and wonderful person, but you know theyre lying
If I were you, Is lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today (thats your horoscope for today)
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
Thats your horoscope for today
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